Soldier of Fortune Magazine The Journal of Professional Adventurers
A routine pre-deployment paperwork check at Fort Bragg uncovered a situation nobody expected.
by Heath Hansen
“Listen up, Charlie Company. You all know we’re deploying to Iraq in a few weeks. On top of all the equipment, weapons, supplies, and gear we need to prepare, there’s a lot of paperwork each of you needs to update before getting on that plane—including your life insurance beneficiaries.”
Standing among the paratroopers of my company, I could tell this was not a surprise announcement to anyone. In the preceding weeks, our platoon sergeants and squad leaders had already ensured each soldier was up to date with all paperwork, including life-insurance beneficiaries. The company commander began speaking again…
“I was in a brigade meeting today with all the company commanders and was made aware of a pretty interesting situation. As the S-1 shop was going through soldier files, they realized there was one name that kept coming up as a beneficiary. A total of eight soldiers, inexplicably, all had the same woman listed as their SGLI beneficiary. None of these soldiers were brothers, cousins, or even roommates. There was no relationship that could be explained between any of them.”
READ MORE from Heath Hansen about being called into formation: ‘The Phantom’ Fouled the Latrine; We Had to Find Him Before Sarge Flushed Us All Down the Toilet
The company stared at the Captain as he continued describing the situation. All of us were keenly aware that these eight soldiers were undoubtedly doing something stupid, but not quite sure how stupid—just yet.
“A background check and a few phone calls later,” the company commander continued, “Brigade discovered that this woman works right down the road at Sharky’s Cabaret. Yup, just about every single one of you has probably seen her naked. Her stage name is Chastity. If you guys still don’t understand,” the commander paused, looking at the men in the company, “she’s a local stripper.”
Everyone started laughing and nodding their heads. We were all right—the soldiers had certainly all done something ridiculously stupid.
“Here’s the kicker, though, guys,” the Captain went on. “Each of these soldiers was brought to the brigade headquarters and made aware of the situation. It was explained to them that Chastity was duping multiple soldiers into leaving their life insurance to her because she was ‘madly in love with all of them,’ apparently.”
We all began laughing again. Like “there is no honor among thieves,” there is no love for soldiers among Fort Bragg strippers.
“Fortunately, six of the soldiers decided to immediately change their SGLI beneficiaries. However, two of the paratroopers refused to believe Chastity does not actually love them, and they’re leaving the policy in her name. You guys know the saying: ‘You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.’ Anyway, each of you men needs to think long and hard about who gets your life-insurance money in the event of your death overseas.”
The commander dismissed us for the day with a great story to discuss at the barracks that evening. Luckily, none of the paratroopers in our company had fallen for Chastity’s fake love, but we were all now very much aware of the clever tricks strippers play on drunk paratroopers willing to go “All the Way!” outside Fort Bragg.
Heath Hansen writes frequently for Soldier of Fortune.
